If Grimace can make the New York Mets semi-unbeatable, then try these other mascots on for size.

Starling Marte, New York Mets / Dustin Satloff/GettyImages

Spirit animal, mascot, whatever he is, the New York Mets need to find their new Grimace pronto. With the power vested in McDonald’s this giant purple thing that pushes burgers for a living made the Mets, dare I say it, amazing! He was without question the best thing to happen to this franchise since Edwin Diaz embraced the dulcet tones of a trumpet. Grimace forever changed the game in my book.

Even though this is no longer a thing now, we have to make the Mets matter because they play in the same metropolis as the New York Yankees, who are damn good and are the damn Yankees over in The Bronx. I have been presented with a great problem to have. Therefore, I must find a most adequate solution for this delightful baseball team that has never won a World Series in my entire life.

So what I am doing to do today is rattle off the top of my head five official unofficial mascots that I think could somehow, someway possess eerily similar powers to the Mets as did Grimace. Keep in mind that imitation is the sincerest form of flattery. Let’s be real. Nothing can and will ever hold a candle to Grimace. I just wonder how Mr. and Mrs. Met feel about all this. It cannot be landing well.

Let’s start with a giant red dog from our childhood who reminds us of simpler times in our lives.

5. Clifford the Big Red Dog

There are very few things in the world with universal appeal like Clifford the Big Red Dog. His name is Clifford. He is big. He is red. And he is a dog!!! I have no earthly idea how a giant dog that is the color red could throw out a first pitch like Grimace once did, but I would love to see him try. If Clifford could take up the entire infield doing his thing, that would be wonderful. Of course, there will be delays…

If he happens to be a good boy and poops on the field, you are going to need to hire at least two more grounds crews to clean that up in a jif. Yes, that steaming pile of mess would stink to high heaven, but come on. It’s Clifford the Big Red Dog! Who doesn’t love Clifford? The biggest problem besides the sheer size of him is where does he go once the game starts? Heaven forbid he has to fight Godzilla.

Surely, there are better mascots with greater universal appeal than Clifford the Big Red Dog, right?

4. Wario

There are three things about Wario that he has most certainly going for him. One, he likes the color purple. No, not the Alice Walker novel that was later turned into a movie starring Whoopi Goldberg, but the majestic hue that represents royalty and Grimace. Two, he has a W on his hat, which stands for Wario, and probably winning. Mets fans would love that. And three, Wario is absolutely not Mario.

The only downside besides people probably making fun of you in going with Wario is he kind of looks like Danny DeVito. Unless you can get Frank Reynolds to switch northeastern allegiances, he will always be sunny to Philadelphia. Wario may not be as celebrated as Mario, but people know more about him that Waluigi. Most importantly, Wario can actually find inside of Citi Field quite comfortably.

Wario is not a bad official unofficial next mascot for the Mest post-Grimace, but I can do better.

3. The Most Interesting Man in the World

Fact: There is nothing more interesting than The Most Interesting Man in the World. I don’t know where he has been the last few years, but you better believe he is my generation’s favorite suds salesman. Generation X had Spuds MacKenzie, the original party animal. Millennials slapped with The Most Interesting Man in the World. Gen-Z is still trying to find their s. This next one doesn’t go outside.

The best part is you can literally find any number of bearded men with olive complexions in their mid-50s to play this role. Unfortunately, you might end up with noted Yankees fan Adam Sandler dressing up as him to mock Mets fans. The giveaway is that he shops at the same adult children’s store that Jack Black runs. I love a 50-year-old man who dresses like an 11-year-old who ran away from home.

I don’t always throw out first pitches, but when I do, it is for the New York Mets. Stay thirsty, my Mets…

2. Batman

Y’all are in Gotham, right? While this would make several Atlanta Braves and Philadelphia Phillies fans quite mad, Batman is awesome. He is the best superhero, and it’s not even close. His superpower is being fabulously wealthy, and who doesn’t aspire to that level of supreme greatness? My favorite part about it potentially being Batman is everyone has a favorite Batman. We just don’t agree on who it is…

Some like Michael Keaton. Others like Christian Bale. A select few like emo Batman Robert Pattinson. Our parents still clamor for Adam West, who is, in fact, dead now. Nobody clamors for Ben Affleck. I don’t even think Ben Affleck likes Ben Affleck. Sad boy… To me, Batman has universal praise, but I think DC doesn’t want the Mets brand associated with a beloved superhero. What about Superman?

Superman is reserved for those whose brains haven’t fully formed to figure out others are way better.

1. Ricky Bobby

It’s perfect. What do New York Mets baseball and a fake North Carolinian-based NASCAR driver with a sweet pair of unnecessary sideburns have in common? Well, if you ain’t first, you’re last. Damn right! As a 30-something who celebrates Will Ferrell’s entire comedic catalog, it only recently occurred to me that Ricky Bobby is a slightly evolved version of his George W. Bush impression over on SNL…

Regardless, Ricky Bobby wakes up and p****s excellence. Plus, doesn’t want to go fast? We know that Ferrell can throw a baseball. We also know that Ricky Bobby will let you break his forearm rather than admitting to a Frenchman that crepes are deliciously thin pancakes. More importantly, gaining the endorsement from Ricky Bobby Inc. will make everyone mad jealous. If you don’t chew Big Red gum…

The only thing better than celebrating a World Series victory for Christmas is the Jackhawk 9000.

Only available at Walmart…