YOU can see the slogans now: Meg America Great Again!

Her pledges to Make the US of A Sp-Markle once more: Candles, strawberry jam and equality for all!

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Meghan Markle has seemingly found her true calling in a tour of Africa that’s been described in almost presidential-like termsCredit: AP
Yep, after a whirlwind tour of Nigeria, the Duchess of Sussex has seemingly found her true calling . . . starting, in her elegant four-inch Louboutins, an exhaustive march to Washington (via Lagos).

Joined by her pet, Harry, Meghan Markle’s African visit has been described in breathy, presidential-like terms.

With the ex-Etonian by her side, she has flourished in Nigeria (accompanied at all times by a White House-esque security detail, and AK-47-wielding members of local militia).

Finally ditching the royal titles, the pair have been described as “special guests”.

Perhaps emboldened by a handy recent DNA test which showed the former Suits actress to be 43 per cent Nigerian, she told children at a school: “I see myself in you.”

Later she thanked the nation for “welcoming me home”.

(Never mind that, nine years ago, writing in her blog The Tig, she penned a love letter to Malta, from whence her great-grandmother hailed, claiming the country also “felt like home”.)

After all, one can never have too many homes. Except Angela Rayner.

The couple, freed from the shackles of the “racist” Royal Family, have flourished on this ego trip philanthropic visit.

There have been snazzy outfit changes aplenty, smiles for little kids, lots of hand holding and speeches about education, mental health and “enrichment”.

Meghan calls Nigeria ‘my country’ after arriving HOUR late to talk as pals reveal Harry ‘deeply stung’ by King snub
And, certainly, this little jaunt could prove extremely enriching for Ms Markle.

Diplomacy over family

Forget gaudy red, white and blue — President Markle will be favouring tasteful taupes and pretty neutrals in her stomp to the White House.

Last week, her husband shunned his father, King Charles, preferring to stay in a Surrey hotel rather than a preferred royal residence.

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You could just picture Harry and Meghan in the White House – they don’t have much political training, but that didn’t stop TrumpCredit: Getty
This, surely, is the ultimate statement of intent from the unified couple: No more clinging on to monarchical coattails. Politics over royalty. Geopolitical diplomacy over family.

Knock Meghan all you like — and, by God, she makes it easy — but she does have a uniquely brilliant way with the public.

In the same way, ironically, that Princess Diana had.

She may not have much political training but, hey, that didn’t stop Donald Trump, who makes two A-Level Harry look like the Brain of Britain.

The US has never had a female President, and much of Meg’s shtick is about gender equality.

Americans: A vote for Meghan is a vote for the sisterhood!

The Americans love nothing more than a posh Brit, and with Harry as her significant other, she has the First Gentleman from heaven in waiting.

And Prince Harry, while no great intellect, is bright enough to realise his star is on the wane.

He is devoted to his wife and two children — he will, surely, support her Great Plan.

Let’s not forget, last month he listed America as his official country of residence, making his wife’s future transatlantic ambitions even easier, surely.

As he wrote in his recent misery memoir, Spare, he’s been the Plus One for almost 40 years — what difference is another 40 going to make?

So, if it takes Meghan out of royal meddling, and cock blocks another nappy-wearing octogenarian man from the White House for another seven years, I’m in.

Yay! Team Meg!

CRUISE SORRY NOW?

SUNDAY saw the usual array of Bollinger-sipping, designer-clad, multi-millionaire stars at the Bafta TV awards, one of the most prestigious nights in showbusiness.

It was equally delicious, then, to see P&O Cruises getting more attention than Tess Daly and Claudia Winkleman and co.

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It was just odd to see P&O being constantly mentioned throughout the Baftas, like when their Twitter talked about this showdown in Happy ValleyCredit: BBC
There was no getting away from the slightly incongruous headline sponsor.

Not only was “P&O Cruises” plastered across the stage, Bafta was forced to repeatedly Tweet such roll-off-the-tongue sentences like: “Your P&O Cruises Memorable Moment is . . . Catherine Cawood and Tommy Lee Royce’s final kitchen showdown from Happy Valley.”

Brilliant.

FORGET the wheel, sliced bread and air travel – a Finnish hairdresser has come up with the ultimate innovation: Mute appointments.

A clever woman called Kati Hakomeri has introduced a “silent service” for those (all of us) who don’t wish to engage in small talk about the weather or/and any nice holiday plans.

Please bring her to the UK. Now.

DINING IS TOO TAXING

ANOTHER week, another stealth tax.

A catering industry report suggests 13 per cent of fast food restaurants are now charging service fees, while some high-end eateries are charging 30 per cent just for opening a bottle of Champagne.

Sure, we know that lockdown hit the hospitality industry hard. But it hit the consumer hard, too.

If restaurants really want to get hands in bread baskets again, eating out needs to be an experience – not a p*** take.

Great that we were Eden handed

A MIXED bag at Eurovision on Saturday night.

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Brits did themselves proud by giving Israel’s Eden Golan twelve points in the Eurovision televoteCredit: Getty

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But Olly Alexander’s career might now be finished as, while he received votes from the jury, he received absolutely nothing from the public across EuropeCredit: AP
By giving douze points to Israel we stuck two fingers up to the “left-wing joy police”, as one commentator put it.

The bullying of an innocent 20-year-old Jewish Israeli, Eden Golan – the poor girl required an around-the-clock security guard following a plethora of death threats and protests – was inexcusable.

Much of the pro-Palestine Left was inciting the hatred.

They wanted us to boycott the pop contest, an event meant to be a celebration of all things ridiculous, fun and camp.

Instead, we Brits voted with our thumb, texting to give Israel maximum points.

A life-affirming, very real stand against pernicious anti-Semtism.

Well done chaps.

TROLLS BITE AT MELON

LAST week my poor friend was left a bit baffled.

On a dating app, she listed her likes and dislikes – one of which, innocently enough, was watermelon. (She thinks it’s too watery and tastes funny.)

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It’s bonkers that saying you like or dislike watermelon on a dating app now apparently means you have strong views on the Israel-Palestine conflictCredit: Getty
Anyway, this was promptly met by a barrage of abuse from prospective daters (or not now, as the case may be).

“I really hope that’s not a vile political statement,” raged one.

“You’re disgusting,” spat another.

Bemused, my friend Googled “watermelon”, deeply fearing she may have inadvertently referenced an obscure sexual peccadillo.

But no.

Of course not.

Apparently watermelon has become a “symbol of Palestinian solidarity”.

Sigh.

Why must we weaponise absolutely EVERYTHING, including a pretty, beachy little fruit?

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It’s a dark day for the middle class as avocado harvests are set to fall thanks to climate changeCredit: Getty
AVOCADOS are in danger of becoming scarce because of climate change.

The superfood, every fitness influencer’s daily staple, needs 320 litres of water to grow and harvests are set to fall by 41 per cent by 2050.

A dark day for the middle classes.

MY HOL CURSE

LAST year I wrote about my uncanny ability to book a foreign holiday to coincide with a British heatwave.

I told you all to stay at home whenever I planned to be abroad.