She wasted no time addressing the elephant in the room. “I got kicked out of show business because I’m mean,” Ellen DeGeneres announced to the crowd at NYC’s Radio City Music Hall on August 1.

She added that she was previously kicked out because she was gay and joked, “Eventually, they’re going to kick me out a third time for being old!”

No subject was off-limits.

“The show felt very much like her redemption tour and a confessional,” a witness tells In Touch about the comedian, who has admitted to being “devastated” by the “painful and sad” end of her talk show in 2022.

This followed former staff members criticizing her for fostering a toxic workplace. “She seemed a little bruised from her fall from grace but not broken.”

Over the past two years, adds a source, Ellen has leaned on her wife of 16 years, Portia de Rossi, and “took time to reflect on her life, the good and the bad. This standup tour is about finally coming clean and explaining the truth behind all the rumors, including some jaw-dropping secrets she hid from the world.”

The one-time “queen of nice” was dethroned in 2020 when multiple employees of The Ellen DeGeneres Show called out executive producers for racism, sexual misconduct and intimidation. Ellen, 66, fired three men and apologized, noting that while she wasn’t aware of the toxic environment, “I take responsibility for what happens at my show.”

Others noted that Ellen wasn’t completely innocent: Kathy Griffin claimed her fellow comedian had “a mean streak that all of Hollywood knows about,” while a bodyguard blasted Ellen for being “cold” and “demeaning.”

Ellen DeGeneres Is Holding Herself Accountable

In her stand-up show, according to the witness, Ellen admitted to occasionally being impatient, demanding and direct, but she insisted she was also “compassionate and generous.”

She reminisced about playing jump-scare pranks on her staff and starting a game of backstage tag that lasted for five years. “Hearing myself say this out loud, I realized I was chasing my employees and terrorizing them,” the 34-time Emmy winner quipped, admitting that she never wanted to be a boss or even really knew how, likening it to Ronald McDonald being “the CEO of McDonald’s.”

But to be labeled the most hated woman in America? “She said reading that was especially hurtful and blamed gender bias partly for why she was perceived as ‘mean,’” says the witness. “She pointed out that women are expected to be quiet and small, while men can make demands without anyone questioning how ‘nice’ they’re being.”

Her mental health was also a factor. “She said she’s always been meticulous and organized, but revealed a secret: Her therapist and Portia told her she actually has OCD, like her father, and that may have contributed to negative impressions of her,” says the witness.

Ellen, who has previously opened up about her stepfather’s sexual abuse and her mother’s refusal to believe her for years, divulged another secret she hid from the world: She went into show business “to heal my childhood wounds. I thought if I can make people like me, then I’ll be happy.”

Ellen DeGeneres Is Moving Forward

Thanks to a lot of therapy, she doesn’t feel that way anymore. “Ellen said she’s stopped caring what people think,” says the witness. But Ellen is still being extremely careful: She insisted on having everyone lock their phone for the show. “It was a level of security you’d expect for the president. It would make sense that she’s extremely paranoid after all the things people have done and said behind her back. In general, though, she seems to have worked through a lot of her issues.”

Being on stage in front of supportive fans definitely seemed to help, adds the witness. Ellen also shared a fresh heartbreak: Her 94-year-old mother, Betty, is suffering from dementia. “My whole identity used to be wrapped up in that show, and my mother’s identity used to be being Ellen’s mom, and now I don’t have a show and she doesn’t know she’s my mother,” Ellen told the crowd.

Of course, she couldn’t resist joking that her mom doesn’t know she has dementia and probably “thinks I’m Kelly Ripa.”

Inside Ellen DeGeneres’ New Life

The comedian, who has said she feared she’d “lost her sense of humor” during the lowest moments after her ordeal, has learned to laugh again. Her new passion is raising chickens — “If you had told me that, after my show, I would become a chicken influencer, I don’t know if I would have believed you, but here we are,” she said in a 2023 YouTube video filmed in her backyard coop — and she’s putting her past behind her.

At a Q&A session following another recent show, an audience member asked if dancing — which she famously did at the start of every episode of her talk show —helped get her through tough times. “It’s hard to dance when you’re crying,” Ellen answered. “But I am dancing now.”