I Got Married At 22. 12 Years On, Here’s What I’ve Learnt About Keeping A Relationship Together
Shortly after I got married, I awoke one night with a start. While my husband snoozed quietly beside me, the full weight of my new identity as a “wife” suddenly dawned on me. I wasn’t just a friend or a girlfriend; even in the dead of night, I was responsible for the life I shared with the human next to me. And not just in an airy-fairy, romantic way: I was responsible legally. I had signed my name on a marriage certificate and that was it. Forever.
It was even more daunting because, two weeks prior to the staring-at-the-wall-in-the-middle-of-the-night incident, I was a student. I got married at the age of 22, before I’d even got my first “proper” job or owned my first car. While most of my friends were still at university or exploring life in London, I was taking delivery of my registry gifts.
Millie Bobby Brown has recently celebrated her marriage to Jake Bongiovi at a similarly young age. Undoubtedly, she has more life experience than I did, but there are unique challenges to saying “I do” at the dawn of adulthood and sticking with your partner. Twelve years, three houses and two babies on from my wedding, here’s what I’ve discovered about keeping a marriage intact during your tumultuous 20s and beyond.
By the time you’re 30, you won’t be married to the same person
I don’t mean you’ll have divorced and remarried (although that’s certainly a possibility). I mean the person sitting opposite you sipping coffee in the morning will have evolved. Their hair will be different; they probably won’t wear slogan T-shirts anymore. Your 20s are a unique period in your life, one in which you’re learning how to be an adult – enrolling in pension schemes, tackling plumbing conundrums, etc. Your relationship with your parents will shift; you’ll get closer to some friends and drift away from others. People often cite “growing apart” as a reason for divorce, but growing is unavoidable in your 20s. For your marriage to endure, you need to learn to develop side by side, to continue to share the same values while making room for new ideas, hobbies and personality traits.
Leave room for mistakes
Given that your 20s is a decade of firsts, you’re bound to make quite a few mistakes. Some of them will be small (overwatering a cactus, shrinking a cashmere jumper), but some of them will be bigger, like when I upset my husband by overpacking my schedule to the extent that I had no time for him. One of the most popular readings at Christian weddings is a passage from Corinthians: “Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonour others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.” Holding on to mistakes or keeping a “record of wrongs” has disastrous consequences. Say sorry earnestly, and be ready to forgive.
One human can’t be your everything
My husband is great – he can cook delicious meals from an assortment of random vegetables, he can talk very eloquently about injustice and the widening gap between the rich and the poor, and he can explain to me why the production on my favourite song makes it sound so good. He cannot, however, sing the entirety of Le Tigre’s “Deceptacon” back to me or teach me to make a Guinness cake or dissect why women still love to watch 27 Dresses despite the glaring feminist issues. That’s what my friends are for. Community is important; if you expect one person to meet all your needs, you’ll be very disappointed.
Prioritise time alone together
In my 20s, I wanted to do everything. I wanted to stomp up mountains and dash around cities; I wanted to stay up late dancing and get up early to journal; I wanted to see all the art, watch all the films, read all the books, hear all the music. My focus became doing everything, while my husband was somewhere in the background. It might sound obvious, but if you want to marry someone, then you should prioritise spending time with them. Maintaining your own interests is important – you don’t want to disappear into your partner – but making sure you carve out time together where you can enjoy long conversations and properly connect is vital. Before we had kids, we used to go running together and talk and talk and talk for miles.
You’ve not failed when you ask for help
Marriage is not always fresh flowers on the table, sunset strolls and surprise holidays to Paris. Sometimes one of you will forget to take the bin out or hang the washing or charge the toothbrush. And sometimes – at the end of a long day – you’ll be standing face to face in your kitchen with hearts burning, rehashing the same argument you’ve had 20 times before, knowing you are no closer to understanding one another. Issues can be so ingrained you need a third party to tease them out. That can be done simply with a friend over a cup of tea or more formally in couples therapy or even online via The Marriage Course.
Ask the hard questions
If you get married in your early 20s, you have your whole adult life ahead of you, so it’s a good idea to have a vague idea of what you think that life might look like. Do you want kids? Do you want to go travelling? Do you want to live near your mum? Do you definitely not want to live near your mum? Of course, life isn’t predictable, but it isn’t a great idea to promise to stay together forever if “forever” looks like a countryside cottage with four kids for one of you and a continent-hopping career for the other. You will need to be clearer about what you want earlier than your single friends, because you’ll have to ensure it aligns with the person to whom you’re tethering your life.
Compromise is necessary
If you choose to get married young, you can’t make decisions in a vacuum. While other 20 year olds might be able to move cities at a moment’s notice, paint their bedroom walls a raspberry red or splash their well-earned cash on a summer full of music festivals, you will have to consult another human – and they might prefer pistachio green and think the Glastonbury fund would be better spent on an art-filled getaway to St Ives.
It makes you brave
In a decade when much of your life is up in the air, getting married can give you a wonderful sense of security. When working a stressful job, I used to wear a bracelet my husband bought me and it would remind me of the life and support network I had outside of work. Knowing I had a partner who saw me completely and was committed to me – no matter what – gave me the confidence to take risks with my work and to try new things. So, to Millie and Jake, I wish you a lifetime of commitment and connection – just don’t forget to take the bin out.
